Between a Rock and a Hard Place.

POOHCKCI am entirely cliché and basic to quote Disney films as inspirational messages, E.G. “I want adventure in the great wide somewhere.” – Belle. It’s true though. I don’t quote it to be relatable, I quote it because… well… same, girl. I want to be adventurous and independent. No really, I do. I want to travel and explore and have great stories and amazing memories. I tell myself that I should venture outside of my comfort zone. The rewards are worth it. My only problem is, I really struggle to do it alone. It’s not so much a fear, but a need of moral support. It’s kinda like Winnie the Pooh says: “being brave is easier when you’re not alone.”

For example, I’m not great with travelling long haul by me onesies, savvy? The other week I went to meet up with a friend I have not seen in around a year. It was a bit of a trek but was straight forward, I just had to tackle the train journey solo. I found a nice window seat, brought a portable battery so I could sit and play games on my phone to pass the time, the carriage wasn’t crowded, it wasn’t loud. Perf.

Once I got there, everything went to plan. We found each other and did that dramatic run and hug thing like at the beginning of Love Actually and went about our mini adventure. I was having the most wonderful, snort-laugh filled day until home time, when I had my first run in with rail replacement. I had been doing so well keeping my fears and anxieties under control but this, this sent me screeching backwards.

I had, what can only be described as, a panic attack on the train.

I was alone, doing something new, heading in a direction I wasn’t supposed to be heading in, to a place I had never been to with no idea what was going to happen when I got there. I rationalised with myself, told myself I was an adult and could handle this. That it’ll turn out all right in the end, you’ll see. There would be people around in the same position, people I could ask. I had money for a cab if all else failed… but no, nothing could curb the fear rising up inside me.

 After that it was back to square one confidence wise. I was so sure I would be fine and I felt like I had let myself down. I needed to get myself back in the right headspace, then I could start doing all the stuff I love again, like writing. Alas, after that I dived headfirst into a plethora of health problems, some that I’m not quite over yet. It’s difficult trying to act like nothing is wrong when in fact there are a few things quite wrong. Nothing life threatening, but wrong none the less. However, there was a beacon of light heading towards me, but that’s a story for another time.

For now, back to normality.



P.S. Well done if you spotted the 3 hidden Disney quotes in there (aside from the ones in speech marks)! If you didn’t, here’s a hint: Tangled☀️, Pirates of the Caribbean⚓️ and Beauty and the Beast🌹!


2 thoughts on “Between a Rock and a Hard Place.

  1. cupcakesandmachetes says:

    I used to freak out when I was driving to some new place and my passenger would give me the wrong directions. (I’ve ended up in some really scary places in Detroit because of that.) I mean like, I would see red. I did not like being lost. Now it’s happened so many times (and the invention of GPS on your phone) that I don’t freak out nearly as bad, although I do still get annoyed. Not that this is helpful but I think the only person that doesn’t freak out when things go wrong is someone who’s been some places and seen some shit.
    Hope your health problems clear up ASAP!

    • Clumsy Koi Carp says:

      Oh gosh, I’d massively panic if I got lost somewhere that wasn’t particularly welcoming! Yeah, now I’ve had to use the rail replacement once, I’d probably be ok doing it again because I have more of an idea of what’s going to happen. Very true! Thank you ☺️

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