When I walk into a room, I have two options.
Option one: the ‘salad’ approach. I call it this because it’s boring and a bit wet, not many people like it, but we force ourselves to because it’s good for us. My honesty is sugar coated, as to not cause offence. I’m flexible, humble, reliable and observant. I wont be a particularly open book, or forceful, but I’ll adapt to others personalities and traits. I’m an ear that will listen and a shoulder to cry on. I will find a niche that fits in with those around me, even if it’s not a Kate shaped hole, and fill it, like that canned foam people use to fill walls. Yeah, I fill holes in the walls, set myself in so I’m unnoticeable. I struggle to come out of my shell and express myself, I can appear weak and uninteresting at times too. However, that opinion is oh so very wrong.
Option two: ‘the wrecking ball’ approach. I storm into a room all guns blazing, with a big voice and a big personality. Everyone is my friend, whether they want to be or not. Everyone gets a dose of Kate’s attention and opinion, whether they like it or not. I throw everything I have at the situation. I’m loud, obnoxious and well heard. I establish myself as a force to reckoned with and a contender to be the leader, mother, problem solver and protector all at once. I’m a voice for those that need one and a shoulder to lean on when someone needs a rock. I’m bold and unashamedly myself. I’m myself to a fault. Whilst still moral, the wrecking ball version of me can be a little fearsome, bossy, blunt and sometimes dancing upon the boarders of unapproachable.
So which do I choose? Soft, warm, cuddly and adaptable. No hassle, just chill, but a bit of a wet lettuce, with a wishy washy personality and a voice to match. Be socially versatile but at the cost of my own identity? A panicky poo who flaps and is flustered, who isn’t sure if they’re coming or going and will take the world on her shoulders and the blame of all others. Who will suffer mental turmoil to make another happy. Kind, calm and courteous, quietly responsible but wracked with self doubt and coloured in grey?
Or do I choose the wrecking ball? Vivacious and loud, bursting with strength, colour and charisma. What you see is what you get, everyone is welcome in my circle of friends. Don’t like me, leave because I’m not going anywhere. Don’t agree with me? That’s fine, but don’t expect me to adapt to your way of thinking. It’s my mind, I’ll do as I please. If you want to lead, be prepared for a clash of minds, if you want influence, prepare for questions. Courage and bite, motivation and strong moral fibre, but a little brash and cold, pushing people away from who I really am and my true struggles because that’s no fun.
Do I head in to 2017 being quiet and cautious? Watching and adapting. Silently working my way into a place of comfort and safety, making everyone around me at ease but barely sounding a peep before 2018, or do I smash into the new year like a wrecking ball? Just take the bull by the horns and if I’m hurt, retreat, heal and try again, regardless of who I may scare away or leave behind.
I guess it’s a case of ‘them’ or ‘me’.
I tackled 2016 like a salad, with logic, caution and reason. Thinking everything through. Every ‘if’ and every ‘but’. How do my actions affect everyone else? Maybe I should take on the hard parts so no-one else has to? I was overly observant, placing a safety net between me and true sadness but also true happiness. However, the wrecking ball persona, whilst more bombastic, opens the doors to all sorts of unknown opportunity and joy, yet comes at a cost. It is difficult to uphold, it’s chaotic, tiring and unpredictable. Once it digs a hole, it’s a struggle getting out, but when I have the courage to let it out, I have the chance to be so much happier. There is greater risk, but there is more to gain.
Both of these personalities are me, I flit between one and the other. The balance is one that, right now I struggle to achieve. I’m still learning that one particular adulting lesson. Do I give up things to have those around me happy or do I continue to drop the supposed deadweight in my circle and start living a happier life, even though it could be an axe in the side for a few of my nearest and dearest?
2016 was a hard hearted bitch, so maybe it’s time for me to be one.
I can’t live like it anymore. I don’t want to compromise on kindness and I certainly wont compromise on morals but…
2017, watch out.
Wrecking ball, I choose you.