“I refuse to give into my blues, that’s not how it’s gonna be, and I deny the tears in my eyes, I don’t want to let you see…” – ‘King of Wishful Thinking’, Go West.
This is a bit of a brain dump, but a mini epiphany hit me as I was sitting on my kitchen floor, watching a batch of Snickerdoodles bake because I had forgotten to set the timer. For months, years, I’ve told myself I’m not good enough, that I’m below par in every way. In reality, I’m not. I’m capable, I try hard to be kind and tolerant and I’m relatively clever too (I’m no Alan Turing but I’m not thick either), so what’s the dealio bruh?
Well, thing is, I am overtly anxious about things. A lot of the time, it’s not me, it’s the anxiety talking. That’s not an excuse, but it is a moment where I might need to be reminded that, actually, that’s not me. It can be so overwhelming, so all encompassing at times that I forget who I am without it, the person I have been for years. I might not suddenly snap out of it, there are no magic words to cure it, but there is a healing process. I might seem selfish, self destructive and full of self loathing, and others efforts might seem futile and powerless against all that, but trust me they are not.
I can be so horrifically shy. I spout absolute nonsense just to fill the silence sometimes so it’s unlikely I’ll share my true self and struggles without feeling like a bit of a twat. I care more for others than I do myself (which sometimes gets me into trouble. Top tip: be more assertive Kate. You’re a human not punching bag. Learn to say no). One thing about being on the more anxious side is that I am rather observant. That’s not to say I can’t be massively dim, my God when I have a momentary lapse in common sense it’s a moment to behold. What a gem. I’m observant, not a mind reader or some sort of superhuman. If I notice something is different, I’ll try and figure out what it is and do my best to help the situation. Making other people happy and curing any of their blues brings a smile to my face. Seeing other people’s joy, regardless of the part I had to play in it, makes my day so much brighter.
It takes time. I have bad days and good days, the same as everyone else. Sometimes, I need to be alone for no reason at all, sometimes I want to go out and party. Sometimes I want to fade into the background and I’ll seem upset or angry for no reason, nitpicking everything and seemingly trying to gain some non existent control over my corner of the universe. Sometimes I don’t care, I’ll go with the flow. I’ll speak up, I’ll pipe down, I’ll just go where the tide takes me. As Princess Fiona says in Shrek: The Musical: “I’m a mess of contradictions in a dress.”
Anxiety, you’re a frickin’ spoon and I hate you, but that does not mean you win. K? K. Instead, I’m going to try and exude more niceness and warmth. Cynicism may inform me but never lead me. Sadness may touch me, but never linger.
“Shyness is nice, and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you’d like to.” – ‘Ask’, The Smiths.