The Secret Life of a Loser.

Hi, my name is Kate and I am a perpetual loser.

Okay, okay. I’m being a little hard on myself. Yet I do seem to get myself into situations which, let’s say, would not be out of place in some sort of comedy film. As in, the ridiculous events you see fabricated in films is pretty much akin to my actual life.

The only one time I managed to hold back was when I worked at a Lulu gig a while ago. I wandered into the auditorium, knowing my friends would be there but was spotted before I could make my grand entrance and belt out the famous opening notes of ‘Shout’. Lucky I didn’t, because sitting next to my friend was Lulu herself. Thank God I listened to my gut and my friends are eagled eyed.

However, making an absolute tit of myself in front of national treasures is the least of my worries. I seem to make everything awkward for myself. Common incidents include:

Word vomit. Always. Constant. Over sharing, unnecessary quips, the urge to have the last word, not giving my brain time to kick in before I speak. It all contributes. I just seem to always be down with a case of verbal diarrhoea.

Lack of hand-eye coordination. My life is like a teen drama. The other week I was walking along and caught the eye of someone, I admit, I have a bit of a soft spot for. So I thought ‘play it cool Kate. Smile. Maybe bat your eyelashes a bit.’ I walked face first into a wall… then got caught in the wall hangings and nearly fell over backwards. This is why I’m single. Later that day, in a spate of panicked awkwardness, I opened a door and hit myself in the face. I nearly drew blood. My life is a mess.

Destructive technological telepathy. This one would make me a super villain. At school, at university and even at work, I gained a reputation for only having to look at something technical and it would break/explode/implode. After my first term at university I was on first name basis with the technical support team, was banned from touching any equipment they couldn’t afford to replace and, to top it off, wiped out two computers just by logging on and opening programmes. Honestly, I’m a technical menace.

Dumb jokes. I always attempt to crack a dumb joke. I feel like if I make everyone laugh, the situation gets lighter or more memorable and, in some cases, I beat others to the punch. They aren’t even good jokes. They are forehead-smackingly bad anecdotes. Sometimes, even I cringe after saying them. I just can’t stop myself! Then I just back-pedal as much as possible, mentally reprimand myself, and go and hide in a hole somewhere.

Getting over excited. I hear someone say something, or see they have something, and I decide the I must bequeath all of my knowledge on that subject to them and fan-girl until I, metaphorically, die. 90% of the time these people don’t care, don’t know me or don’t know what I’m talking about. Just bounding up to someone who has drawn cat whiskers on their cheeks as an edgy statement and shouting, “the cat whiskers some from within” or “don’t cry, craft” makes me look like a, actual lunatic and they still have no idea whats going on.

Too much pride. Sometimes I just chat absolute s**t. I don’t think before I open my trap and believe so much that I am right that when I finally click that I’m wrong, well either way it’s an embarrassing situation for everyone involved. I either clam up and am mocked for an eternity, or I continue to pretend I am right until I can run away and hide in a dark corner. For example I wrote and entire essay on the similarities between former Soviet Union leader Joseph Stalin and former Beatle John Lennon. Weird mix, but I assumed that is what the question was asking me and so I delved into their human rights politics. Then I realised it wasn’t Lennon… it was Lenin. As in Russian communist politician Lenin. Safe to say I scraped that essay and just picked another question entirely.

Spontaneous singing and dancing. Not to everyone’s taste but when you feel the urge, you’ve got to bite the bullet and get down where you are. Everyone loves a bit of out of tune, mildly off key Disney songs when they’re in a packed public place. Such as the time I sang McFly on the tube. I got a round of applause for that one.

I think the majority of my many awkward quirks are covered here. More so a curse than a blessing but they make for funny memories and they don’t hurt anyone… much! I’m sorry, but you will never get your time back after talking to me through one of my socially awkward episodes.

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