Alright gang, in the vain of total transparency this was a post I drafted for Valentines day. A dreary read of how my heart had once again been broken with the opening line, “you know, I’m not sure how much more heart break my heart can take at the moment.”
Blah, blah, bloody blah. The long and short of it is: I got played, massively. Yeah, I got left on read. Yeah, I got ghosted. Yeah I caught feelings and for the first time in a long time, allowed myself to believe I was capable of being loved, of being found attractive, of being wanted in that way. I opened up and allowed someone in to that very guarded part of my inner sanctum only to be used.
So I let myself wallow a little bit, haunted by the hurt at first, then anger, then denial, then a bit more hurt, then a bit more anger, then some kind of faux “I’m fine-ness” because I am so very aware that lots and lots of people get their feelings hurt and their heart broken. That’s why the good guys turn bad and the good girls turn bitter (in a bold and general sweeping statement.) I’m not the only one who is hurting. Mate, I mean until today I was still hurting a little bit. I had come to the conclusion that maybe I was put on this earth to give love but not receive it. To bolster others and bring joy and comfort, but to not be bolstered or brought that light in the same way.
The whole situation left me like a kid who stuck their fingers in a pot of boiling water, the fear of pots of boiling water remains… so anyone else who tried their luck and slid into the DMs I either refused to believe they were human (looking at you @SugarDaddy8679, you cheeky, little bot you) or that they were not just looking to clear the lockdown blues. I also may have hurt a few feelings along the way. I know I’m not innocent when it comes to hurting people, but a lot of the time it’s because I don’t believe anyone would choose me. In fact, the times I have believed someone would choose me it has always been thrown back in my face. They ask me on a date then, when I accept, they drift away and end up with someone else. I mean, am I the female Good Luck Chuck? Never mind, not important.
What IS important is the reason I have turn this post on its head. This post is no longer for me to feel all self pitying and ‘woe is me, someone mend my broken heart. Where art thou, my knight in shining armour’ (I was a mess, trust.) I’ve thrown enough pity parties throughout the pandemic to last a good few years. NO! This post is to put out into the universe that, even through the heartache and possibly due to it, I have come to the realisation that… I am whole alone. I have always thought I was only half a person without love and companionship. I never really saw my self as strong enough, my heart full enough or my self love deep enough to exist without being in a partnership, even though that is essentially all I have done. In the words of Elton John, “I’m still standing.”
I am strong enough, I am smart enough and I’m so full of love and joy as I am, that I actually don’t need someone else to bring it into my life. Sure, it’s nice to feel special and all, but I have waded through all the crap trauma and garbage emotion that swam around in my head and figured out that yes, I am worth it. Whether I receive it or not is up to the fates, but I sure as hell can give it… and I can give all that love and affection to myself too. I’m stronger than I give myself credit for. I don’t need a partner. Wanting and needing are different, but through all the blistering heartbreak I have experienced I have learnt that I, in fact, am a whole person, not just a shell and I can do anything alone. We all have to endure pain at some point.
So thank you to a boy who played me. I have learnt that actually, I don’t need anyone to complete me. I am complete by myself. I like myself. I don’t need validation from someone who doesn’t know what they want or how to handle another person’s heart. Validation from myself is enough. I’m still learning to love myself, but knowing I am enough and I am strong enough to take this world head on alone and be fine is a huge step in the right direction.
Newly founded bad bish out xoxo