Soooo, how is everyone? How’re you all coping? Where is everyone’s head at?
If I’m honest, I no longer have a concept of time. I never know what day it is, what week, I’m just about keeping track of the month at this point. Time of day? Forget about it. My sleep schedule? Non existent.
Emotionally, I’m all over the shop but it’s ok to be in your feels sometimes, you know? I’m still grieving for my Grandma, which has made the entire quarantine situation even more bizarre and difficult. I mean, in one way, the grief overshadowed everything and being furloughed from work due to the pandemic gave me time to grieve more efficiently in the beginning and be with my family. On the other hand, there was no escape and no distraction from it. Everything was doom and gloom and the idea of death just loomed over us. I’ll never be the same. It’s like if you made a heart out of plasticine, chopped it in half, then tried to smush it back together… it will never be the same.
I honestly feel psychotic at times. I go from hysterical laughter, like when my friends and I all decided to turn ourselves into feet during a zoom call, to unconsolable crying (like ugly, mouth open, snotty, cant breath, harrowing sobs) I stayed up until 5am because I just could not stop crying. I cried so hard I gave myself a stabbing headache, indigestion and pulled a muscle in my stomach. Yeah, I’m still a bit all over the place. These things take time though, eyy? So I’m just taking it one day at a time and trying to tackle one thing at a time, y’know?
Weirdly, my self confidence has gone up and down simultaneously. Being able to sit with myself and think without being compared to others, without being spoken down to or made to feel small, ugly or insignificant, has done wonders for my self esteem. I’ve managed to navigate social media and streamline it so I have had a lot of positivity that greets me (weirdly enough through Tik Tok in the main.) I’ve been practicing accepting the unknown and letting go of things out of my control (as I learnt during my little spate in therapy last year), rationalising my school of thought and being more honest and at peace with myself and, little by little, it’s been working.
On the flip side though, I have been putting my body through hell. Something I have been trying to face is my relationship with food. I am totally aware that I comfort eat, I have ZERO will power and use food as a crutch. This is been one of the most painful times of my life so far and I’m proud of how I have coped mentally… but physically I have been abysmal. I am trying to separate my self worth from the way I look, but with the weight I have put on, the effects of not wanting to leave the house and not exercising, not having the will to cook so living on take aways and the like, I can’t help but see myself as a failure. I’m trying very hard to find the positive and motivated mindset that will enable me to change the things I dislike, which of course can happen and is achievable… but I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and my heart sinks and those old thoughts come creeping back in: you’re ugly, you’re unlovable, you’re disgusting, you’re unworthy of happiness. I mean wow, toxic or what? And to think those are the genuine thoughts that spin around in my head.
I’m trying to challenge those thoughts and instead, remind myself that I may be overweight, but I am thoughtful and I try to be kind, always. I am empathetic and I care deeply about people. I’m loyal to a fault and when I feel embarrassed about my outer shell, I’m trying to remind myself about what’s inside and that it’s hella important. When those harsh thoughts hit me, I try and tell myself that even in those moments when I see my outside as “bad” (which it’s not), that doesn’t mean my inside is bad too. Ngl, I think that’s such an important lesson and it can’t be learnt quick enough.
Is anyone else struggling with any of this during this time? Or just feeling alone with it all? I dunno. Maybe I’m just being a soppy apeth and super hormonal right now.
Phew, this is a long one today! Any who, I’m actually doing ok in the main and I hope you all are too!